The Skinny on Being Fat

A million things on my mind to write. A plethora of information should you decide to take your own journey into weight loss. First and foremost, this isn’t a journey, it’s a lifestyle change. The Guru has been trying to tell me that and I am just now accepting it.

on the inside...

Yeah, there's a skinny woman being re-born

Secondly: all the food that I thought I loved, it’s gross. Most of it is blah and really not very flavorful. Chocolate? That’s a whole nother issue altogether. I am still trying to kick it. Finding balance in loving chocolate and changing my lifestyle is difficult. Today my aha moment was: instead of telling myself that I can’t eat it I am telling myself that yeah, I can do that. It has re-framed my automatic response of, “oh yeah? watch me eat this chocolate.” Why do I still have it around me? Because we apparently have a chocolate fairy in our house. When the last of it is gone more creeps into the house through birthdays or co-workers bringing it into the office. Why couldn’t this happen with money instead of chocolate?

It's chocolate: and it's evil.

Thirdly: I have no idea how to walk. If I walk like normal than I am like a big clunky fat person without any grace. If I walk all hip swaying like then I am walking like a hoochy mama. Neither of those do I want to be. So I notice if I engage my core (my stomach and lower back primarily) then I don’t slouch and I don’t walk like a hoochy mama. This is a good thing. I feel really uncomfortable with re-learning how to walk. It is something that I can add to the list of things I didn’t anticipate experiencing once I lost weight. I do have a list, it’s all in my head. I should write it down somewhere…oh wait, that’s what I am doing!

Awkward! See the slouch?

Last, but certainly not lease: Why didn’t anyone tell me how fat I was? I look at pictures of myself from even back in 2007 and I was so fat. This brings me to how do you tell someone they need to lose weight? How can you safely and lovingly let them know that they really aren’t all that? Is it my business to say anything? Do I go about my way living my lifestyle while people I care about are hurting themselves? Heck no. I can’t do that. I wanted something different but I didn’t know what it was. I didn’t want to be fat. My vision somehow has changed…then I saw myself as beautiful but now looking back I was fat. Really fat. I was still beautiful, please don’t get me wrong. I just was so unhealthy. I have some grief around how bad it had gotten. I do think my mom tried saying something and I didn’t hear a single word of it. 😦

If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck....then it's probably fat like a duck!

There you have it. Some of my thoughts over the last week as to what to share. Moving forward I have picked the races I want to run through September. I will run the 8k at the Shamrock run, then a 5k at a Summit I am attending, then the Lackamas 1/2 Marathon, the Prefontaine Memorial run 10k, then back to the race that started it all the Miles4Mileage 5k. That brings me through September. Now I have to figure out the rest of the year.

Any suggestions? What races do you run that you enjoy? Still looking for reading suggestions, do you have some? Thanks for reading and drop me a line!

I smoke.



There’s my hypocritical confession. I smoke between 5-10 cigarettes a day. My average is 7. I am doing great on the running, just thinking how I would do as a non-smoker.
Reasons why I smoke (not in any particular order):
1) to numb the feelings of helplessness.
2) I am bored.
3) I am on the phone.
4) I want private time with my husband.
5) I want private time with myself.
6) My brain is screaming at me to give it a chemical it has relied on for 20 years.
7) I don’t know how to make small talk or socialize.
8 ) Because I don’t want to feel another woman’s pain and fear when she is telling me she just left an abusive relationship and is living in a motel or car with her kids.
9) I don’t know how to not smoke.
10) I don’t know how to quit.

I think I want to quit. The truth is I am feeling rather apathetic right now. The Guru wants me to quit. I rationally get the benefits of not smoking. I really do. That doesn’t mean shit at a neuro-chemical level though.
October 1st is a new month. Maybe it’s my new quit date too.

Food: yum!

My favorite foods are cooked, boiled, raw and flavorful. That covers a wide array of yummies.

Pasta. Pasta. Pasta. I love pasta.
Mexican food of any sort.
I like cheese: sharp Cheddar preferably.
My default cooking mode is comfort food: meatloaf, spaghetti & meatballs, potatoes, etc.
I am pretty sure I would die without coffee. I am a coffee snob. I like real 1/2 & 1/2. Fat free of course.
Pasta. Pasta. Pasta.
Waffles with peanut butter and syrup.
Love Thai food! Love spicy food!

Dislikes: mushrooms, tomatoes (depends on the prep), olives, any goat product. If it smells funny I won’t like it.

There you have it: the beginnings of my list. Tonight I meet The Guru and we do measurements & pictures.

Maybe I will post them. Depends on how accountable I want to be.