Woman I admire who is using again, the following message is for you.

I have been in your shoes. Wondering where I fit in, who I was supposed to be, and why this was happening…again. Each time I would attempt to do the next right thing and it just never happened. Losing my ability to parent was one of the hardest life experiences I have ever had. Not folding my children’s socks sucked. Not being able to hear their latest victories or sorrows sucked. Not having story time. Not being present for major life milestones. It. All. Sucked.
My disease is one that came about because it was a behavior in response to what was happening in my brain and in my heart. It was a way to numb both things because I did not know how to fix it. I know you have an idea of how to fix it. I know because we have stood here before. We have contemplated sobriety, we have sought sanity, and through the use of our strength we got through this.
You can come home again. You know I can help you get safe. I can help you get settled. I can ensure you have a safe place to feel free from anxiety in order to begin to unravel the damage. I will go to hell and back to advocate you get this opportunity. I will drive you there. I need you to want this too.
I watched you grow. I watched you gain your sense of power. I watched you give it away, and then I watched you walk away. Please. Come. Home. Call me. If you are ready to do this again just know that there will be no judgement. You are probably doing a way more thorough job of that then I ever would even want to. There is no shame sister in reaching out: you just have to make that first step.

The Run, Whinging, & Me

Hello long lost friends!

Today I am going to update you and whine and talk about me. I suppose that isn’t much different than any other blog but I need a good whinging session. So…to update you on the race I set a PR (like I said I would) and ran it in 36:00 minutes. I know, I know. I am not the fastest in the world but overall I was 6th in the 2nd heat! So….now whadya think?

Here we are after the finish line!

The best part about the entire day was that our kids and my little brother was there! Yay Kyle (my little brother). He is a competitive runner. It was an honor to have him volunteering at the event and being my starter. If you remember in my earlier blogs one of my goals is to run with him. This was a step closer to that.

I am at 149 lbs. now. I am wearing a size 12 and fitting into clothing that I haven’t worn since we dated. I was wearing a 14 inching my way up to a 16. While a 12 isn’t the ultimate goal it is one step closer to the goal. My goal weight is 135.

The lady on the left: that’s me during the plan.

This picture was while I was eating and exercising. I don’t see much difference until now….

The far right this time. My shirt fits differently and my face is thinner!

This is my team, by the way. It is a non-profit league, so if you feel the need to donate to the team so we can continue to play (shameless plug: then feel free. If not, did you know such a thing existed? Yeah, I didn’t either until I started at my job. Anyway….I digress.

Super awesome ABS!

When I hit 135 lbs. then I will get to tone. And sculpt. That song Moves like Jagger? I have my own version: Abs like Bleiler.

Now back to me. I am doing really well. Except that the race happened right during the weather change. The week after there was rain, rain, and more rain. No big deal. This is Oregon: rain = grey = serious mood alteration. Not quite at the S.A.D. level: I only toe that line. This with some hip pain equaled some lacking in motivation. I haven’t been as active as I have wanted. I am feeling like I am stagnating. All of this and there are some serious signs pointing to reigning in the external things in and focus on the family. So I will be reorganizing my schedule. I have to make this work. I have to remember that I am not alone.

I also have to do my school, and the kids school, and keep my home clean, and parent, and be fun, and, and, and try NOT to freak out and become a list maker. Ugh, that would be overkill.

For now: I am taking a 4 day weekend: I am cleaning my house. I am getting back on track. I will do this 1day and 1 pound at a time.

Until then, keep me in your prayers and I will pass them on!