I smoke.



There’s my hypocritical confession. I smoke between 5-10 cigarettes a day. My average is 7. I am doing great on the running, just thinking how I would do as a non-smoker.
Reasons why I smoke (not in any particular order):
1) to numb the feelings of helplessness.
2) I am bored.
3) I am on the phone.
4) I want private time with my husband.
5) I want private time with myself.
6) My brain is screaming at me to give it a chemical it has relied on for 20 years.
7) I don’t know how to make small talk or socialize.
8 ) Because I don’t want to feel another woman’s pain and fear when she is telling me she just left an abusive relationship and is living in a motel or car with her kids.
9) I don’t know how to not smoke.
10) I don’t know how to quit.

I think I want to quit. The truth is I am feeling rather apathetic right now. The Guru wants me to quit. I rationally get the benefits of not smoking. I really do. That doesn’t mean shit at a neuro-chemical level though.
October 1st is a new month. Maybe it’s my new quit date too.